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Eavesdrop on any pre-date pep talk, and you'll probably hear the
typical woman-to-woman dating advice: Play it cool, do your hair like
this—and whatever you do, don't wear that. But while those traditional
tips aren't necessarily wrong, there are other, way more
important traits that research shows men find attractive
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Eavesdrop on any pre-date pep talk, and you'll probably hear the
typical woman-to-woman dating advice: Play it cool, do your hair like
this—and whatever you do, don't wear that. But while those traditional
tips aren't necessarily wrong, there are other, way more
important traits that research shows men find attractive—and they have
nothing to do with your physical appearance.The problem:
Traditional dating advice has been leading us on a wild goose chase, one
that leads away from the possibility of real, healthy love, says Ken
Page, the author of Deeper Dating.
Relationships are built on authenticity and connection, he explains.
And if you're constantly on edge, playing hard to get, and worrying
about your appearance, you're not going to be taking advantage of the
science-backed traits that really attract love and intimacy. And the best news? You probably already have them.
1. She’s passionate about something. Anything.
When a woman has a passion you can do so
many more special things for her. Flowers are great, Having a passion gives both of you something
to share and learn about with each other. If her hobby is watching
Netflix there’s not much you can do other than watch TV with her or get
her a 3-month subscription gift card, guys finds this very attractive
2. A sense of humor
You don’t have to be a stand-up comic, but
there are few things more attractive than a woman that can make you
laugh. Plus, being able to watch smart, non-network television comedies
together is the best.
3. She’s decisive
There’s a
big difference between being pushy and being decisive. Decisive means
you can make a decision and stand by it. You know what you want and
you’re willing to go for it. Decisive doesn’t mean you stop speaking for
three days if you both don’t want to go to Wendy’s, but if there’s a
goal you have, you’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you reach it.
Again, you could say the same thing about a guy, but I’ve never dated a
guy so I don’t know what to look for in them.
4. Appreciate little things
One time I was dating a girl and while we
were talking on the phone she mentioned that she absolutely loved
getting new socks. The next time we went out I picked her up and there
was a nicely-wrapped present in the seat. She opened it and saw that it
was a cute pair of socks. She looked confused and asked me why I bought
them. I was a little taken back and said, “Oh I just remembered the
other night you said you always loved getting them.” She kind of
shrugged and stuffed them into her purse. I know it wasn’t a big,
elaborate gift, but it’s always nice to be with someone who appreciates
the little things.
5. Kindness
It doesn’t matter how beautiful you are,
if you’re mean, it’s the worst. Someone who’s kind to those that can’t
benefit them is admirable. Plus, if she’s kind to your family they’ll
love her forever. That makes life so much easier. The most important characteristic is also the most basic, Page says. One major study
asked 10,000 men and women what quality they find most important in a
mate. The number one response across the board? Kindness. The problem?
"No articles are giving advice on how to be 'nice,' even though we'd all
be so much better off simply being kind rather than spending hours in
front of the mirror," says Page. And it doesn't take a lot to
demonstrate these traits. Small acts of kindness, like being on time,
letting the other person order first and choose where to sit, and being
polite to the server, are clear ways to show consideration.
6. You're Honest
Can't lie for the life of you? That's a good thing when it comes to love. For one, research
has shown men are more sensitive to sexual infidelity than women
(likely for evolutionary reasons—they want to be sure their offspring is
actually theirs!) and are more likely to end a relationship after a
partner is unfaithful than women. And it's not like you needed another reason, to be honest. but research
finds that perceived honesty affects judgments of physical
attractiveness as well, Nicholson says. In the study, participants
deemed "honest" people as more fit, healthy, and kind.
7. You Fight Right
No matter how perfect your relationship is, fights happen. But there are four fighting styles, known in psychology as the four horsemen of divorce,
which signal a relationship is doomed, says Sean Horan, Ph.D., a
professor at Texas State University. They are: criticism, defensiveness,
contempt, and stonewalling, or becoming non-responsive—the most
damaging behavior of all, research shows. When fighting, remember that
you care about each other and that you have the same goals, Horan says.
And don't shut your S.O. out. Talk about the issue, watch your words,
and try to use "I" statements ("I feel disregarded when you're late to
events") rather than blaming "you" statements ("You are never on time!").
8. You Like Your "You Time"
"I like to think of it this way: I
love eating cake, but I can't eat it 24/7," Horan says. It's the same
with a relationship: Of course, you like being with the person, but you
can't be with him all the time. "As humans, there's a tug between being
autonomous and bonding with others." Both are equally important: You
need to maintain your independence when you become part of a couple, and
the same goes for your partner. Plus, in today's society, we've become
more reliant on our partners to meet basically all of our needs, says
Page. "This is actually a dangerous thing, as we're all human and
limited in our ways." That's why it's important to have a circle of
friends, especially one that supports you as a couple. Bottom line: Keep
up your yoga-and-brunch dates with the girls, and encourage him to hang
out with the guys. (Your "you time" is actually one of the
9. You're Positive
Beauty really is more than skin deep. Research
shows that positive personality traits can impact perceptions of
physical attractiveness, Nicholson says. It may not be groundbreaking,
but men are indeed attracted to pleasant, positive, and cheerful
personalities in women, he explains. These positive personality traits
are associated not only with higher physical attraction but also social
attraction—a key factor in choosing a long-term partner. This isn't to
say you need to put on a happy face 24/7, but if you focus on being
friendly, and are open to meeting new people, it's a win-win.
10. She’s cool around your friends
She doesn’t have to be a bro and a chugging a beer
with all the guys, but if she gets along with your friends and they
become her friends as well, it’s a beautiful thing. Obviously, it should
go both ways, as he should get along with her friends as well, but for a
guy, it means so much to be with a woman that’s not just your partner,
but also one of your friends.
12. Happiness
No one is going to be happy all the time,
but if every time you have a drink you start crying and talking about
your first boyfriend it’s not very fun. Be happy with what you have and
where you are in life. Not satisfied and complacent, but happy. Plus,
you’ll never get one of those awful dudes that walk up to strange girls
at the bar and says, “Aw, why aren’t you smiling?” Stop it you creeps.
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